Ghislaine blessing the pipe bowloffering for the Mother

Last summer I was blessed to have taken three weeks and traveled to Ireland for healing, rest and to co-lead a pilgrimage.

My dear sister and friend, Eve Bruce, lives there now and drove like a  mad women on the small winding roads, with three other women as we sang, laughed and told stories of our lives.

After resting and hearing some awesome music in Doolin, we made it to the magical land of Newgrange, Tara and Loughcrew, also known as The Hill of the Hag.

This part of Ireland is filled with incredible layers of spiritual majesty. The land itself just breathes an ancient knowing that somehow opens the heart to something so wise, warm and filled with wonder.

I was totally wiped out the days before as I was still grieving the passing of my son and I had brought a bundle of his ashes to lay on the waters there. I knew, he would want that. I also had brought Guru Meher’s Beloved, Ghislaine

after the PIpe Ceremony

who is now my spirit daughter to share in the healing and our pilgrimage.

So, as we had dinner June 20th, talking about the Summer Solstice, they were all excited about getting up really early for the sunrise ceremony at Tara. The sun rises really early that time of day so I was like…you got to be kidding??I’ll just stay back and sleep!

We were in a restaurant that night and they all talked me into having a dessert and some special alcohol drink that I knew would take me over the edge ( and it did!). I went to bed exhausted and sick in my stomach with a headache.

Somehow, it was like some kind of power moved in my brain and body , when I heard the alarm at 4am I jumped out of bed and was filled with energy.

When we arrived at Tara we were sad to see it was ending, so we went up the hill and did our own prayers.

Then Eve and I decided that this was the time to go to Loughcrew. That this would be the place to pray with our sacred Pipes. The whole time we were about, we could not find the right place and time, but we heard the calling and we followed.

It was early. Too early for the keeper of the key to the gate to get into the sacred space under the earth mound, where for thousands of years people have prayed and done ceremony. So, we started to walk up the hill in the fog.

There were cows mooing and we were the only ones there, which I felt was such a gift.

When we got to the top there was a bench and as we caught or breaths ( it is a big hill to walk up), I could feel all the spirits and ancestors coming to be with us at that moment.

Eve showed us where the stone alter was to make offerings and we all came forward with so much respect and honoring of the moment.

Then we saw a circle of stones that we were able to sit in, fit in a cozy way and do our Pipe Ceremony.

There were five of us in the circle. Three pipes to share.

As we opened our bundles, and prayed with the spirits there I felt something so deep shift inside of my heart and soul. I could feel the energy from the White Buffalo Woman, known also as the White Calf Woman, surrounding us with Her power and blessings. It felt like, out of all the people on the Earth, at that moment, right on the Summer Solstice, that we had been chosen to pray in such a sacred way to honor the Great Mother, the Wise One, the Old Hag.

I somehow knew with my entire being that the death of my son and the devastation I had experienced until that moment, somehow was a portal for my soul to be re-born. That at that moment I knew in my cells and bones why I was there and the power of prayer, sisterhood and that sacred moment in time.

As soon as we were finished, it began to rain a gentle drizzle. We gathered out belongings and found our way down the hill ( I got lost in the mist!) and returned to Tara for the Water Ceremony at the Prayer Well of the Sacred Cow, who they see as the Healer.

Loughcrew. The memories are sealed in my heart and it actually took me most of the summer to deepen with the initiation we all experienced that morning, on the hill in the mist, with our hearts open in prayer for the transformation of our Mother Earth and all her children.

Thank you Mata.

And thank you Lynn, Jen, Ghi, and Eve.

Guru Meher in Takoma Park winter, 2010

It has been a year since my youngest son decided his time here on Earth was truly done.

How can a son tell his parents and family he is leaving??? How could he possibly know how to share that he was only incarnated here to teach us about love?

And he chose me to be his Mom. I guess he knew I would support him at his birth ( where he almost died) and his death.

And now, I understand and have so much love, respect and gratitude for who he was and what he shared with all of us.

A week before he left us, Guru Meher told me the spirits were talking to him 24/7  that it was his time to go. Of course, I tried to convince him with the aid of his Dad and therapist to ” hang in there” , and that he had a wondeful life ahead of him. Then, right after I did some shamanic work on him, that night I was visited at the bottom of my bed early the next morning by the Grandmother of the West, who I know comes from the Death Lodge. She was so powerful, with her long grey hair, dressed all in black, just staring at me with this intense silence. I was getting ready to go on my own Vision Quest the next day and thought she was sending me a message. Little did I know she was coming for my son.

I still have times I sob and miss him daily. Somehow, I am understanding the whats and the whys and how we were all connected by a tapestry of karmic destiny.

Guru means teacher. It also means the divine light within that guides us. Meher means blessing.

Guru Meher had been called the “jewel” of our family. Yeah, his inner light was shared in his kindness and his love for all beings. Even at Mark’s Kitchen where he worked, so close to Hal’s side, there were so many customers he touched with his amazing kindness.

Guru Meher has been my deepest and most powerful teacher. He has brought me to my knees with the deepest grief and sorrow I could ever imagine.He taught me forgiveness and what it truely means to be a shaman. To live and die and transform in the process.

Four days before his one year Memorial I had a dream….I was taken to a house in the north ( the place of transformation in the Medicine Wheel) that was all white. It was filled with men who were chanting God’s name and I knew it was an ashram. I asked were all the women were and was told ” Our wives are all Goddesses and they live on The Three Moons,” He pointed out a window to the left and I saw these huge white full moons  in the sky. This man told me there was someone waiting for me and took me outside under the light of the moons. Guru Meher greeted me with a ” Hi Mom”, and we embraced. I knew this was where he came from and his home now. I know I can visit him in this sacred place any time and really all I need to do is ask and I hear him talking to me.

I awoke feeling such joy in my heart on the day of his Memorial. I awoke feeling liberated. I guess because all the pain he endured in his 22 years was over and that he was in a peaceful place. I had always felt his pain and for me, I can now look forward to love, happiness and new adventures of so many things.

Guru Meher almost died at birth and took his life at 22. It was almost like he was just visiting us to share the love he carried in his amazing heart.I loved him more than anyone on this Earth. He was my Beloved.

Guru Meher, you are teaching me every day as I look at your picture and I can hear you greet me daily with ” Hi Mom.” And all that you remind me is to keep letting go. Keep letting go Mom, love as much as you can in the short time you are here. Forgive everyone and mostly forgive yourself.

Today, I know I am in the mists of the greatest re-birth cycle of my lifetime. I am daily letting go of old patterns, illusion and attitudes that no longer serve me and others.

I am living in gratitude for my family, my grandson, and my community.

My heart, mind and soul have walked through the black hole and has emerged with a new awareness.

Guru Meher, I love you forever and will see you when it my time to do my Star Journey.

Meanwhile, while I am here I will be the amazing Mom you always knew I was and will continue to walk this path wide awake, laughing, crying and sharing the medicine with all who are ready to hear and heal.

We will all remember you…the blessing of the Guru.

I was blessed in my Tibetan shamanic studies to have learned the ancient practice of chod.

There was a holy woman named Machig Lopdron who lived in Tibet. In her deepest meditative  initiation she encountered facing a part of her mind that held fear. This was manifested as a Naga ( snake spirit). In her awakend state she “fed” the snake demon her body as food, so the suffering spirit could be satisfied. In so doing, she allowed the Naga to gain merit and lessened the karma or pain of the spirit.

This became the foundation of one of the most powerful spiritual practices for “cutting the chords” of fear, known as chod.

I have learned various forms of chod. The one I would like to share now is the original one I learned, which is a shamanic practice for healing the community.

When a shaman is ready for his initiation, they are taken into a hut or cave called the Guffa. It is there that the shaman opens and prays with his drum to awaken the “hungry ghosts” . These angry spirits, known as ” massan” are the spirits that have suffered and are lost. Many are angry and they are always hungry. They wonder with their mouths wide open, never finding what they want and need.

When these spirits are around, in the community there will be suffering, and they spread disease and misfortune.

When the shaman practices chod, it is like a major clean up and clearing of the land, and the shaman also gets healed.

It is called the ” Wise Selfishness,” because when one takes in more pain and suffering into the body and is able to transform the suffering, there is healing for all.

This is the practice I learned and can be done journeying or in a meditative state. It is called The Black Feast.

The North is the place of Transformation and Wisdom. Make an offering to the North and ask to meet the Red Goddess known as Ghang Selmo. Her name is also Devi and she lives in a Red Castle. Journey to her and ask for her blessings. Ask her to give you your Soul essence. Then, ask her if she will be the Goddess who will help you to do chod.

Ask Devi to take you to Machig for her blessing and for her protection.

Next, ask to be taken to the Guffa, near a graveyard. This is nine levels up. At the Guffa, ask to meet Guru Rinpoche who is the original Shaman. Come with an offering and ask for His blessings and protection to do chod.

Once you have your teachers, you are ready.

See yourself in the Guffa with your drum. Circle the hut with tobacco and rice as offerings. Make a spirit plate and put it outside the hut.

Invite Guru Rinpoche to come. See Him offering you a bowl of luminous light. Drink the nectar. See yourself merging with the light of the Guru.

You become the Luminous Light Body.

Say out loud,” With His light is the fire of loving kindness.”

Walk outside of the Guffa and see the massan.

Ask them to come and eat the offerings you made.  See all their suffering and energy as black soot. Inhale the dark energy. Keep inhaling till you are totally full of their pain.

See the Devi ( Goddess) come out of the Guffa and She begins to cut you up ( dismembers you) and places your entire body in a huge cauldron. See the massan eating as much as they can until they are satisfied.

When you know they are fed, ask the Goddess to take you to a place to be ” remembered.” It is in this place that you will be re-born as your luminous body with a renewed fire of compassion in your own heart.

By allowing the lost spirits to eat your luminous body, they are able to gain merit and possibly pass over to the light.

In the ending after you are purified, say a prayer of gratitude and dedicate the practice for the happiness of someone you know who may need healing, love or blessings.

You can do this chod practice for any place or situation that needs healing. If you are in conflict with a person or know a place where there has been devastation or suffering, you allow yourself in the Guffa to be taken there.

It is a deep act of compassionate service, and in doing so, opens your own heart and allows your own fear ( of your body dying) to be released.

All beings are transformed.

Nowadays, most folks choose Prozac, weed, sex or some other exciting thing that can distract them from what is really going on inside.

Fifteen years ago when the life I knew was dissolving before me I was praying non-stop for guidance and support of where to go and what to do.

I went to see an old man who was a healer. He knew nothing about me. He looked at my palms and said, “You are a shaman.  In a past life, you were an oak tree . Then I started crying as my body trembled,  feeling the words were so true but I did not understand how or why. He said, “Trees are unconditional love . Find your forest.”

Then I moved to Takoma Park where it is also called, “Tree City.” It is here that I have planted my roots for my healing center, and a home  for my family.

After turning fifty I decided to go back to the land of my ancestors, Ireland. It was on that Emerald Isle that I found my true ancestors, the oak trees, during my Vision Quest. I would like to share what happened there.

My brother, Andrew, lead a small group of pilgrims to Ireland in 2007. That year had been a tough one for me. My youngest struggling with alcoholism and I was ending a long relationship that had taken the life out of me, so to speak.

I had done Vision Quests before but never one on land that was so alive and full of the energy of the Goddess.

I am sighing right now as I am writing this, remembering how raw I was once I got there. It all settled in my womb, where I started bleeding, after almost a year of not. It felt like my womb was crying, shedding her deepest sorrows. I felt I was circling downward into Her womb of dark, wet wisdom.

I had never experienced that power of connecting to my ancestors like this. I brought my pain of the struggle with my son to the land and She understood. I brought my heart filled with scars of disappointment and shame and She opened me up ever so gently and simply said in Her sweetest whisper…” You are worthy of so much more.”

Never before had I felt so at home. The green of the trees and the sound of the wind brought me to a place of peace I had longed for my whole life.

Wicklow mountains are the home for Glendalough, a spiritual sanctuary where St. Kevin lived among all the animals and nature spirits. It was on this land where Andrew prayed us out for a day of silence and healing. A gentle Vision Quest.

It was early and there was a gentle rain upon me as I walked to the west. My whole being was seeking comfort and shelter. I was drawn up the mountain and the voice of the Grandfather Oak offered His shelter to me. It was here that I made my sacred circle and settled in for the day.

I slept, prayed, and slept some more. When sleeping I had many dreams and visitations from the spirits on the land. I offered tobacco, lavender and prayed with my sacred Ireland Pipe.

As I continued to be in the deep silence, with the Trees and all the loving energy of the land I had a simple vision. As I looked up, there kept being this circle of light that was being help by the leaves of the trees. As the wind gently blew, this circle pulsated and was totally alive with healing energy.

As I allowed myself to merge  with this circle, I could feel a knowing flowing into me. A knowing that I was part of a greater whole. I realized the circle is life, is myself, is love and all there is.

The rest of my time there continued to unfold with magic, grace and wonderment.

After my experience on this Quest, I have had the freedom from loneliness and despair.

And I also know that a Vision Quest does not need to be about suffering. It is about getting quiet enough with all the distraction of life to be able to listen with my eye, ears and heart.

For the land and all Her glory, and Grandfather Oak.

I am forever grateful.

I never thought I would be a single Mom again ( first son and now the third), but there I was. In my new found spiritual path of Earth spirituality, I was part of a Lodge community and the water pourer was a Sundancer on Rosebud, SD. I found myself going there to support her and she never made it. But I was there with a small group of friends, including my middle son, Parmatma, who was one of the main fire tenders. I ended up massaging one of the elders and when she heard my story she said I HAD to go to the Chief and ask to dance. I really did not think this was possible, but when he heard my husband had left me he knew I needed spiritual help, and said I could dance. I did dance, one day.

That year I began to learn the power of the Pipe, and forgiveness. On the end of that day I felt so much anger releasing from my heart. All the pain I had carried about my husband not loving me and wanting to be with other women. The tears, prayers and support from the holy circle gave me an opportunity for deep, deep healing of my wounded heart.

To Sundance you make a commitment for four years and then you have to show up and be willing to sacrifice and pray for the people. I had been on the dharma path for most of my life but I was not ready for the intensity of this experience.

For the first four days you prepare by doing Lodges and getting your spiritual things ready for the dance. You also help with setting up the camp and whatever else is needed to serve. The day before the dance you go and get the tree. The tree is sacred in the Ceremony as it represents the Tree of Life and is a portal for the spirits to move up from the earth to the heavens. It is the focal point of the dance and we see it as a symbol of the Creator. It is brought into the Sundance grounds with so much respect and love. Then, all the people place their prayer ties on the tree. The sweet smell of tobacco is so powerful!

Then the dancers begin their fasting, as soon as the tree is up. We do not drink or touch water for four days and fast from food ( unless you need to eat something light at night for your health). It is always a personal choice, but whatever you make a commitment to do, you walk it. For all four days we rise at 4am to Lodge and get ready to enter the arbor as the sun rises from the East Gate. This is the Guardian of re-birth. There are so many helpers too. The fire tenders are the bomb!!They are working so hard to keep the fire going all four days, with lots of lodges and smudging.

Then there are the drummers and singers. They keep us dancing and singing. The songs are all prayers and so beautiful. I loved feeling my feet touch the earth and the energy that would come into my being. The songs….it’s hard to describe. They are pure spirit and to this day, pierce my heart.

The Sacred Drum

The first year I was kind of in shock by it all and I have to say, it got me through the year. As the years went by my relationship with my Pipe became so beautiful. All I can say is the dance humbled me. I would be so thirsty, tired and when I would pray for my children or someone back home who were sick I would get the energy to dance.

Every year by the fourth day I would be in such an altered state I felt God’s presence with me every moment. The pipe was always in my left hand feeding my heart. And the tree was there as a reminder of all that is sacred and good. Of all the love that is always available if I only open to it. A few times at the end I had an experience of feeling the oneness of us all. That I was part of a bigger whole. That we are truly all related. I would be smiling through my tears as I sang with the drummers to Tunkashila.

And for some who may not understand this, sometimes I pierced for my relatives. I never thought I would do this but when I was there the spirits told me to. I did it as a spiritual give-away. I felt my prayers were being heard and it made me feel like it would help me get through the year back home and give me strength as a single Mom. It did and more.

At the end of the dance there would always be a big give-away and feast. This was a time of celebration and gratitude. The Lakota people have taught me so much about myself. In the mist of the dance I made two 4 year commitment, fell in love with the only African who danced there ( Tieku, known as Fred), and got adopted by Jean Last Horse. She gave me the name, Tanampe Wakan Wi which means Sacred Hand Woman, for my healing abilities.

After the last dance I knew it was over as I was moving on a different path with my studies with Rinpoche and a reconnection to yoga and meditation. The Pipe and Ceremony continues to be a spiritual way for me. I offer Pipe Ceremonies here as a service to the community and will always teach the ways of the Pipe to anyone who comes with a good heart. The Sundance is a ceremony that occurs in the summer all over the world, but mostly in the US and Canada with the Native tribes.

As a white girl with Irish heritage, I somehow was blessed enough to find a Sundance community that was open to all nations. My gratitude to  the  Sundance ( I am honoring their privacy by not mentioning their names),  for all their give-away and supporting me those eight years. With deepest gratitude, All My Relations